05-20-2016, 02:13 AM
Hey brother,
I know well and love the poem you're working off here. The first couple of times I read it through I couldn't work out what you were trying to do. But I reckon you've shifted the payoff to the second stanza in the 'translation' and I like it.
"try again, crying disallowed,
do it, just do it"
is such a gross translation of "all the bells say, etc." that it has to be the point.
Not sure about
"will clear be past what he calls innocence."
It's a heinously difficult passage in the original but don't think you've nailed it. Personally, I think the difficulty lies in the fact that Berryman didn't really know what he was doing with those few lines and just ran with what fit.
Otherwise, the translation's fucking epic.
I know well and love the poem you're working off here. The first couple of times I read it through I couldn't work out what you were trying to do. But I reckon you've shifted the payoff to the second stanza in the 'translation' and I like it.
"try again, crying disallowed,
do it, just do it"
is such a gross translation of "all the bells say, etc." that it has to be the point.
Not sure about
"will clear be past what he calls innocence."
It's a heinously difficult passage in the original but don't think you've nailed it. Personally, I think the difficulty lies in the fact that Berryman didn't really know what he was doing with those few lines and just ran with what fit.
Otherwise, the translation's fucking epic.