05-18-2016, 09:41 AM
Hi,
I'm new at giving feedback, so don't take it too seriously.
I like the image of an upstairs room as a spaceship, but maybe try something different than "feels like". I also like the combination of Malaysia and Alaska, for their contrasts and at the same time similar sounds. The sick mother, although maybe personally relevant, seems random in the poem. Furthermore, the reason to suddenly go downstairs is not clear. I feel more needs to happen.
I like the feeling of the room you want to bring across. However, I think the sentences don't flow well yet.
Best of luck,
Ivana
I'm new at giving feedback, so don't take it too seriously.
I like the image of an upstairs room as a spaceship, but maybe try something different than "feels like". I also like the combination of Malaysia and Alaska, for their contrasts and at the same time similar sounds. The sick mother, although maybe personally relevant, seems random in the poem. Furthermore, the reason to suddenly go downstairs is not clear. I feel more needs to happen.
I like the feeling of the room you want to bring across. However, I think the sentences don't flow well yet.
Best of luck,
Ivana