05-18-2016, 06:13 AM
Todd, thank you for your comments.
Dukealien, I think you get some of the irony of the poem. This is a person who has grown angry and petty with time; who has allowed the burdens of the world to overwhelm him or her; and who longs for a more care-free time when the creative juices were flowing. But this person also has some self-awareness. (Basically I am describing myself.)
I want to say that I tried very hard to write all the lines in iambic rhythm (without rhythm, free verse is just prose), but I couldn't hammer all the lines into rhythm and still make the language coarse and colloquial. I'm intending to submit this poem to a contest, one which favors free-verse poetry. You should see some of the contest-winners -- the writers don't even try to write in any kind of rhythm.
You suggested that this line would be better if it were iambic -- "War is now the normal thing, the permanent divide." I am curious why you said that because it is iambic:
x WAR / is NOW / the NOR / mal THING / the PER / ma NENT / di VIDE
You do know what iambic meter is, don't you? (I suppose you could call the line trochaic because it begins on a stressed syllable.)
THANK YOU for giving me the word "looms" -- that was just what I needed. I wasn't happy with "apace". You made other suggestions which were helpful too. It does seem that you understand the poem, which I greatly appreciate. Your comments were very helpful.
Oh, do you have any more thoughts on the "dementia" line? I was satisfied with it until I read your comment.
I should have known that the site is based in Austrailia. I know some English-speaking people in Hong Kong, so Hong Kong popped into my mind first.
Dukealien, I think you get some of the irony of the poem. This is a person who has grown angry and petty with time; who has allowed the burdens of the world to overwhelm him or her; and who longs for a more care-free time when the creative juices were flowing. But this person also has some self-awareness. (Basically I am describing myself.)
I want to say that I tried very hard to write all the lines in iambic rhythm (without rhythm, free verse is just prose), but I couldn't hammer all the lines into rhythm and still make the language coarse and colloquial. I'm intending to submit this poem to a contest, one which favors free-verse poetry. You should see some of the contest-winners -- the writers don't even try to write in any kind of rhythm.
You suggested that this line would be better if it were iambic -- "War is now the normal thing, the permanent divide." I am curious why you said that because it is iambic:
x WAR / is NOW / the NOR / mal THING / the PER / ma NENT / di VIDE
You do know what iambic meter is, don't you? (I suppose you could call the line trochaic because it begins on a stressed syllable.)
THANK YOU for giving me the word "looms" -- that was just what I needed. I wasn't happy with "apace". You made other suggestions which were helpful too. It does seem that you understand the poem, which I greatly appreciate. Your comments were very helpful.
Oh, do you have any more thoughts on the "dementia" line? I was satisfied with it until I read your comment.
I should have known that the site is based in Austrailia. I know some English-speaking people in Hong Kong, so Hong Kong popped into my mind first.