Coffee Pants
#12
(05-17-2016, 11:35 PM)BecktheDog Wrote:  EDIT #2
Alright in the second stanza I'm trying to show rather than tell.  Thanks for all of your help!

Coffee Pants
A boy who can't walk without crutches
also can't carry a cup of coffee to his room
without spilling, 
all
over
his
leg

He sits down,
resting his crutches too.
His anger ebbs
and then flows
leaving joy
in its wake.
Left it on the first crit because (1) I didn't mind being told [my bad], and (2) hard to explain without a rewrite.  But, in serious peril of that awful sin,  something like "...he smiles, then laughs at his dark-spotted coffee pants."  But yours, and better.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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Messages In This Thread
Coffee Pants - by BecktheDog - 05-15-2016, 11:05 PM
RE: Coffee Pants - by aschueler - 05-16-2016, 01:22 AM
RE: Coffee Pants - by justcloudy - 05-16-2016, 06:17 AM
RE: Coffee Pants - by BecktheDog - 05-16-2016, 07:03 AM
RE: Coffee Pants - by dukealien - 05-16-2016, 09:03 AM
RE: Coffee Pants - by ellajam - 05-16-2016, 10:44 AM
RE: Coffee Pants - by BecktheDog - 05-16-2016, 10:53 PM
RE: Coffee Pants - by Todd - 05-17-2016, 12:21 AM
RE: Coffee Pants - by aschueler - 05-17-2016, 08:17 AM
RE: Coffee Pants - by BecktheDog - 05-17-2016, 11:35 PM
RE: Coffee Pants - by Todd - 05-18-2016, 01:00 AM
RE: Coffee Pants - by dukealien - 05-18-2016, 05:38 AM



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