Oceans of Silver Cracks (REVISED)

[Cousin Kil]

[quote='Queerventions' pid='210404' dateline='1462572227']

FIRST EDIT:

Oceans of Silver Cracks

3am

In my bedroom

Sitting at my desk

Typing words on my computer

The overhead lamp

Shinning pale above my head

shining.

Illuminating my dark curls

Like bioluminescent phytoplankton

I like this line.

My eyes glisten like polished silver

Holding back oceans with dams of cement

Slowly, crack by crack, it falls

Falls or fails? Maybe pick a more descriptive verb. Splits. Drips. I don't know.

bringing down with it heavenly fire, mermaid tears, and the kindness of elves

Hmm where did these come from? To me these references have no poignance. Then again, this is a personal moment. I just don't connect with it. But I kind of don't mind the mermaid tears. Just where are they coming from. I guess the character himself/herself is being equated to a mermaid.

I feel the burning of salt water

Creep from my cornea

But the water will not flow

More words wash out of my fingers

Onto pages of digital records

"Digital records" feels like a forced observation to me that hasn't much merit in its odd phrasing. But it's not hard to understand what you're referring to. It's just not a line I enjoy.

I stop

Stare blankly at the screen

The light pouring so angular on the screen I can see my reflection

I look upon a face with no emotion

A face holding back oceans

I would almost go to say you should end at this line. Maybe that cuts out meaning that I'm not getting, but beyond this point the poem feels a lot fluffier. I would say condense all this and take the real pearls of this piece that you've created and string together something really great.

Oceans that contain emotions

I don't like the rhyme you've made here. I enjoyed the metaphor of oceans. I don't exactly want you to spell out what these oceans are or symbolize or contain. Maybe this is just an issue of preference.

Emotions known and yet to be discovered

I can see a face that has been to the deepest depths

Depths of Hell

Depths of the Sea

Depths of Despair

I look down at my wireless keyboard 

Where my hands stopped making words

"What now" I ask

Cracks begin to fill with silver

Oceans recede

Fire returns to Heaven

Would like to find out how the fires of heaven and elves connect with the character's struggle. I could understand maybe this is the material he or she is writing about, maybe. But it's just not clear to me.

Mermaids dry their tears

Elves turn away.

And the words do not return

This line is alright. Still prefer you to keep this more concise and end it with something like "a face holding back oceans". I think brevity is your friend for this one.