05-17-2016, 03:52 AM
This being poetry, I don't have any problem with "crippled men", as opposed to the "crippled hearts of men". I think it's clear that you are talking about mentally crippled men.
As Mattp said, the poem could benefit from some imagery. In this version, it is all general statements. The best poems are usually tied down by specific images that readers can understand. I would also watch out for common or cliche'd phrases.
I am a great proponent of what Frost referred to as "sentencing" -- i.e., writing as much of your poem as possible in grammatically correct sentences instead of just phrases. It makes for clearer poetry.
You say further up that you don't know much about the technical elements of poetry. If that's another way of saying that you are new to poetry, then you clearly have a lot of talent. You chose a serious topic; you gave it a serious, thoughtful treatment; much of your language is original and moving; and you brought the poem to a good conclusion. You will write a lot of good poetry before you are done.
As Mattp said, the poem could benefit from some imagery. In this version, it is all general statements. The best poems are usually tied down by specific images that readers can understand. I would also watch out for common or cliche'd phrases.
I am a great proponent of what Frost referred to as "sentencing" -- i.e., writing as much of your poem as possible in grammatically correct sentences instead of just phrases. It makes for clearer poetry.
You say further up that you don't know much about the technical elements of poetry. If that's another way of saying that you are new to poetry, then you clearly have a lot of talent. You chose a serious topic; you gave it a serious, thoughtful treatment; much of your language is original and moving; and you brought the poem to a good conclusion. You will write a lot of good poetry before you are done.