05-17-2016, 12:22 AM
This reads like a fun fragment to me, but that's the operative word: fragment. It seems to me that it should be part of a larger work. As it is, I don't see much of a point to the poem. It needs a plot and a reason for the deaths. (I wasn't coming to the forum for a couple years, so perhaps I missed something; perhaps it is part of a larger work.)
Although you have 20th century references in the poem, it sounds very 19th-century to me.
Although you have 20th century references in the poem, it sounds very 19th-century to me.