05-16-2016, 06:17 AM
Beck,
You start out well, with solid images and a humorous situation, but the periods in line 4 aren't doing you any favors, and the last 4 lines don't do much at all. Try giving us another image to work with, or staying with the coffee stained pants. Tell us something like how the stain looks like the boy's favorite superhero's insignia and that's what makes him joyful (well maybe not exactly that, but you get the idea). In the first part you do a great job of giving us something to see-- continue that!
Good luck with the edit!
-jc
You start out well, with solid images and a humorous situation, but the periods in line 4 aren't doing you any favors, and the last 4 lines don't do much at all. Try giving us another image to work with, or staying with the coffee stained pants. Tell us something like how the stain looks like the boy's favorite superhero's insignia and that's what makes him joyful (well maybe not exactly that, but you get the idea). In the first part you do a great job of giving us something to see-- continue that!
Good luck with the edit!
-jc
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.