Melt

[ellajam]

Hi, Leanne. For me this has been clear since my first read and that has stayed true. Apologies for not posting crit just because I couldn't suggest any changes, when I'd like to urge you not to change it, it's an eloquent poem on a topic we all can relate to whether we've been the N or family or friend of any party or sad observer. Some notes below.

Edit 1

I don't remember how the world turned grey
or why we stopped pretending -- just the way
we twisted into text and through our phones
we sank. I sent you sticks, you sent me stones,
but hurled at walls, all things will ricochet.
I prefer the original line here. While hurled at walls is fun to say, the line as a whole is lacking the immediacy and clarity of the dead on truth of the responsibility being taken by: we didn't watch

We drained her world of joyfulness and play
and as she fell beneath our sad melee
we argued about -- what? Libido? Loans?
I don't remember.
Again, taking responsibility in retrospect, a bit better than not at all and IME the most usual reponse in this situation. "She fell" is perfect, libido/loans says the whole, common story in two words and it's a sound use of the refrain.

She heard it all but, mindful to obey,
she didn't interfere, just slipped away.
Please tell me how a penitent atones
for bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones?
The sun will never dawn upon a day
I don't remember.
Ouch. I like the edit, it's a cliche for what unfortunately is a cliche situation, and has the desperation required. I get the original and it may be truer, or just another step along the way to acceptance of what it is too late to change. I guess I'm undecided here, sorry, no help.

Thanks for the read, haunting.

Quote:


Original

I don't remember how the world turned grey
or why we stopped pretending -- just the way
we twisted into text and through our phones
we sank. I sent you sticks, you sent me stones,
and neither of us watched the ricochet.

We drained her world of joyfulness and play
and as she fell beneath our sad melee
we argued about -- what? Libido? Loans?
I don't remember.

She heard it all but, mindful to obey,
she didn't interfere, just slipped away.
Please tell me how a penitent atones
for bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones?
Dear God, no words remain, but still I pray
I don't remember.