05-15-2016, 07:49 PM
Not unpardonable in my book, Achebe, and thank you for your input! I will add it to the mix to be sure. Sometimes offering the alternative as in your rewrite is the clearest way to express what we mean to say, so it doesn't step on any toes of mine. 
I agree the midsection is not as impactful as the first and last stanzas are. I intended it to build the feeling of a sort of overwhelm, rather than to have the punch of new data, but I will see how I can improve there.
I'm also aware of the very uneven rhythm, but hoped there might be some value in the sort of jerked sensation which also can accompany a progressive discovery of disaster's reach.
I agree the midsection is not as impactful as the first and last stanzas are. I intended it to build the feeling of a sort of overwhelm, rather than to have the punch of new data, but I will see how I can improve there.
I'm also aware of the very uneven rhythm, but hoped there might be some value in the sort of jerked sensation which also can accompany a progressive discovery of disaster's reach.