05-15-2016, 06:33 AM
(05-14-2016, 03:32 PM)lizziep Wrote: Of Trailers and Torture
This Nixon-old, single-wide, yellow trailer -- straight away this gives us the wider setting in time and place (I'm not American so your terminology marks you clearly. It is a good descriptive line)
we live in is an uncomfortable bra of a thing:
its fit pinches us like a mean 6th grader. -- we know the voice is female (or identifies as one) because it's really only women who know this combined indignity of wearing an ill-fitting bra and being the subject of 6th grade pinching
Our belongings spill out onto the front porch,
exposed to the bare elements. -- you don't really need "bare" as you've already got "exposed" -- or you could have "bared to the elements"
You could spend your whole day adjusting the flimsy screen door,
and the latch to the tiny shower stall won't stay hooked. -- "tiny" is a bit weak -- is there a stronger image you could use here?
We smash our heads together as we stretch
around each other, twisting and contorting ourselves to fit. -- perfect with the bra metaphor
The wiring under the house was improperly installed. -- this line doesn't fit well -- under what house? Does this imply that the previous dwelling was burned down, and that's why the family is in a trailer? I'd like to see this expanded a bit, if so, as it just comes out of the blue and leads nowhere.
Our clothing slips off the over-burdened dresser like too-loose straps –
it's reddening our nerves.
Knockers at the door wonder how we live here -- I don't know if "knockers" is a deliberate pun but I took it as one, just because I can
with two small kids, the youngest still nursing.
Eventually, we'll snap. -- Perfect close
It could be worse