05-15-2016, 04:17 AM
Hi, bedeep,
I really, really like this.
-Quix
I really, really like this.
-Quix
(05-15-2016, 01:43 AM)bedeep Wrote: A Way to Go perhaps a title having more to do with fire, or socks?
I want waterfeet love. love. love. Though I would have hyphenated: "water-feet."
to walk this burning world Punctuation seems to be rather arbitrarily applied. This causes parts of the poem to be muddled and confusing.
(where are the frogs?)
marshes seethe, love this
sedges grasses forbs blaze up, here is where punctuation could help. Do you mean "sedge grasses, forbs blaze up," or "sedges, grasses, forbs blaze up"? I cannot tell if you mean sedge as a third type of marshplant or as an adjective to modify grasses. If three plants, then you need two commas. If adjective, then sedges should be singular, and you need add only one comma.
tall forests fall to fiery ground
birds drop sizzling from seared horizons Nice alliteration. Also, as a rather graphic image it forces the reader to respond.
(where went the fishes, the cool mosses?)
mouth wind-blistered
skin spark-stung I watch
as streams crackle and steam... Love the hyphen words. Also, this whole stanza is another nice vivid image. (Though, before I read the note at the bottom I was visualizing the apocalypse.;P)
where are the frogs?
-- the frogs who call love: "the frogs who call the rain," nice line.
the rain --
they are burning.
with little hope
I pray over my bluest socks YES! You had me at waterfeet, but this sealed the deal. I can't express the sheer delight I had when I came to this line.Also, I like that you start with this image at the very beginning and then bring it back around at the end.
all night long and in the morning
put them on
still wet I'm a tad confused about this. I think it's the "still" ... are they still wet from the wash? from sweat? from rain that came as an answer to prayer? If it was just "wet" without the "still" I would just accept that they were dipped in water or something and move on ... the "still wet" after all night has me curious.
and start walking.
(Been a dry spell since NaPM; this was sparked haha by the Fort McMurray fire in Canada and by my blue socks. I wonder if my title needs improvement; they often do. Open to your wisdom elsewise also, and thanks.)
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara
