05-14-2016, 05:13 PM
hi leane. a well executed rondeau [not that i'm any kind of expert, i checked out the rules for it in the poetry exercise threads] i wouldn't expect any less of you.
while it reads extremely well i can't grasp core of the poem. at first i thought it about a loved pet. but the text and phones changed my mind. now my mind is stuck on a child. no line by line from me but i would have liked a little less ambiguity; of course it could just be me the reader being thick, it has been known to happen before
the sonics are a pleasure to the ear, the end rhymes spot on. good alliteration littered throughout the piece.
while it reads extremely well i can't grasp core of the poem. at first i thought it about a loved pet. but the text and phones changed my mind. now my mind is stuck on a child. no line by line from me but i would have liked a little less ambiguity; of course it could just be me the reader being thick, it has been known to happen before
the sonics are a pleasure to the ear, the end rhymes spot on. good alliteration littered throughout the piece.
(05-14-2016, 04:57 AM)Leanne Wrote: I don't remember how the world turned grey
or why we stopped pretending -- just the way
we twisted into text and through our phones
we sank. I sent you sticks, you sent me stones,
and neither of us watched the ricochet.
We drained her world of joyfulness and play
and as she fell beneath our sad melee
we argued about -- what? Libido? Loans?
I don't remember.
She heard it all but, mindful to obey,
she didn't interfere, just slipped away.
Please tell me how a penitent atones
for bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones?
Dear God, no words remain, but still I pray
I don't remember.