Melt

[justcloudy]

Leanne,

As soon as "she" is mentioned the poem takes on a different tone. I had to reread the first stanza after reading the first line of the second to understand the new take. And I liked that. Some comments below.

I don't remember how the world turned grey
or why we stopped pretending -- just the way
we twisted into text and through our phones  I love this image
we sank. I sent you sticks, you sent me stones,
and neither of us watched the ricochet. maybe "but" instead of "and"? either way this line seems a bit wordy

We drained her world of joyfulness and play
and as she fell beneath our sad melee  "and as she fell beneath" is a bit of a mouthful
we argued about -- what? Libido? Loans?
I don't remember.

She heard it all but, mindful to obey, "mindful" threw me off here but I can't figure out exactly why
she didn't interfere, just slipped away.
Please tell me how a penitent atones
for bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones? Maybe cut out "the"? This and the line above are beautiful and haunting. It feels done here, the rest doesn't add much, as God is already invoked, and I didn't find the repetition of "I don't remember" very strong.
Dear God, no words remain, but still I pray
I don't remember.

Just thoughts.

-jc