05-14-2016, 02:58 AM
'Whoa' is what you say to a horse -- are you demanding that they stop galloping, or do you mean 'woe' as in misery?
I can't get power being photosynthesised. I mean, I know you're trying to say that the supposition is transformed into power as a substance, however 'photosynthesised' is specifically about transforming light (hence 'photo'). You could probably get away with just 'synthesised'.
Are you very attached to 'cancerous toxic waste'? It's such a cliche, and later on you mention redirected poison that causes the oppressor to crumble, so your toxic waste line becomes redundant. It's a very weak simile in any case.
Why 'a thousand pillars'? If you're going to use hyperbole, make it worthwhile. Do a thousand pillars crumble differently to just one? Or do you have a thousand oppressors?
The angst is hard to leave behind, but it rarely makes for great poetry. I have read this poem a thousand times (see? hyperbole) and I want to know what makes you different to all those other angsty young'uns. We've all been there, but it's clear that you have the ability to leave it behind and I suggest you do.
I can't get power being photosynthesised. I mean, I know you're trying to say that the supposition is transformed into power as a substance, however 'photosynthesised' is specifically about transforming light (hence 'photo'). You could probably get away with just 'synthesised'.
Are you very attached to 'cancerous toxic waste'? It's such a cliche, and later on you mention redirected poison that causes the oppressor to crumble, so your toxic waste line becomes redundant. It's a very weak simile in any case.
Why 'a thousand pillars'? If you're going to use hyperbole, make it worthwhile. Do a thousand pillars crumble differently to just one? Or do you have a thousand oppressors?
The angst is hard to leave behind, but it rarely makes for great poetry. I have read this poem a thousand times (see? hyperbole) and I want to know what makes you different to all those other angsty young'uns. We've all been there, but it's clear that you have the ability to leave it behind and I suggest you do.
It could be worse