05-13-2016, 10:29 AM
Hello, I just have a few general comments on your poem. This type of angst spilt upon paper can come off a little bit amateurish when it is poorly punctuated, has multiple typos and all lines are capitalized. It seems as though you don’t care, so why should the reader. Nonetheless, it can serve as the bones for a better piece if you take the trouble to do all of the above.
You don’t use many poetic devices herein. A core metaphor is usually an essential to poetry. Paint us a picture of your anxiety rather than narrate it. I see no paranoia in your piece at all and who has an inner dialog that is essentially image-free (other than the Dr Pepper stain on your shirt, which I like).
This needs a heavy edit. Good luck with it.
/Chris
You don’t use many poetic devices herein. A core metaphor is usually an essential to poetry. Paint us a picture of your anxiety rather than narrate it. I see no paranoia in your piece at all and who has an inner dialog that is essentially image-free (other than the Dr Pepper stain on your shirt, which I like).
This needs a heavy edit. Good luck with it.
/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris