Smoking Stupid

[71degrees]

I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin. - I like how well the imagery of an almost Greek goddess looking woman is evoked in my mind thank to this line.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started talking about my soul,

how it was like a box of niceness, tied - "A box of niceness" doesn't make any sense. I understand that it isn't perhaps meant to absolutely make any sense but there is no way to imagine this. What if you utilized something other than "niceness"

with frightened pieces of cotton string. - "frightened" pieces of cotton, although technically makes no sense, it does come across strongly visually when you imagine cotton strings fluttering while being tied almost as though they are frightened. What didn't work in the line above this one, works here nicely.

Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks. - "only for stupid folks" sounds disjointed, It would be nicer if you could rephrase this so it is clear that this is the narrator's opinion. Right now it makes little sense after the comma.
She replied maybe it was time I started.

Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since. - what is the significance of the thin lips? I'm afraid I didn't not understand it. Is it because of how the lips look while taking a drag?

Otherwise I really like the how it reads like a condensed short story. And the way at the end the time shifts from past to present quite suddenly, which surprisingly works for me. It is jarring in a good way.

I like your comments.  Very much.  After all this time, I agree the poem needs some form of punctuation and/or italics to make it clear who's talking and what they are saying.  Thanks for your last paragraph.  Gives me great encouragement.  And the thing about "thin lips" is you never trust ANYONE with thin lips.  Didn't your mother teach you anything?  

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Hi..

I actually liked the part "Later, she asked me for a cigarette. I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks. She replied maybe it was time I started." as far as getting your overall message across. I'd omit the word "Later," as it is already there implied. I'm also a bit confused by "Only for stupid folks". I agree with previous comments that the last bit needs some developing to keep the overall poem balanced from a spoken or read standpoint.

Having said that, I think it being kind of cut-off at the end is a nice stylistic element. It's like the momentum of being with the woman is high early on but as it continues it dissipates, ending in a very short, mater-of-fact tone. To me, that's kind of a signature touch and I'd argue, worth keeping.

Thanks for your comments, Ir3ke100 (a normal name might help you).  Like your second paragraph. I couldn't agree more.  "Only for stupid folks" is how stupid I was.  I pretty much started smoking for her.  Smoked 225,000 of the little fuckers before I quit.  Now that's pretty stupid.

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Hey again 71. Recognized you in this right away. You have a gift for sounding like you.

Bad girl gets nice boy to turn bad is a bit predictable. Could you make it a little more surprising?

I don't like "folks". They're young, doesn't sit right. Or "made love". If he's smoking a pack a day since then he'd be edgier than that now.

Just thoughts.

-jc

Hi.  If you recognize me in this you would understand why "folks" must stay.  I've been saying that all my life.  "Edgier" is an interesting take.  I like that.  Thanks for your thoughts.

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Original

I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started talking about my soul,
how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks.
She replied maybe it was time I started.

Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since.

THANKS FOR ALL COMMENTS    

New Version

I remember her plated, bronze skin.
And when she talked about my soul,

how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

She was naked and asked me for a cigarette,
like we were in a sexy movie from the '70's.

"Only for stupid folks," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Maybe it's time you started," she replied.

Been smoking a pack-a-day Old Golds
with thin lips ever since.