05-10-2016, 08:17 PM
Thank you for sharing.
The first and last stanzas are strong-- the only opinion I have on those is that "thoughts scattered" doesn't begin the poem with a strong image.
If you want to keep that line, I might switch L1 and L2 with L3 and L4 so you're starting with "heart pumps ink/lips blue/thoughts scattered/like ashes"
I enjoy some of the snapshot imagery you're providing, as well as the phrase "stale/as if the stopping of your breath/stopped the air too"
The first and last stanzas are strong-- the only opinion I have on those is that "thoughts scattered" doesn't begin the poem with a strong image.
If you want to keep that line, I might switch L1 and L2 with L3 and L4 so you're starting with "heart pumps ink/lips blue/thoughts scattered/like ashes"
I enjoy some of the snapshot imagery you're providing, as well as the phrase "stale/as if the stopping of your breath/stopped the air too"