Oceans of Silver Cracks (REVISED)

[Jae Mc Donnell]

The eyes can sea

My eyes glistening like polished silverware. If you want to link this to the next line use a semi-colon, the way you have them make them seem detached 

The ocean they hold. Comma, held back by "   "

Being held fast by a blockade of dams. 

Slowly crack by crack it falls into shambles. Maybe a comma after slowly to give pause. And what falls into shambles?

Bringing down with it heavenly fire, mermaid tears, and the kindness of elves. It could be just me but this I don't really get. Maybe revise.

Not a drop of water flows. detached If the dam (which I'm presuming cracked) should the ocean not flow? 

Only words on a page escape these many fissures. IF it fell into shambles there would be no fissures.

What happens now I ask. 

I see nothing more than a face that shows no emotion,

but contains the sea where they all dwell.

I haven't seen any other replies so my apologies if I am repeating anything already mentioned.

I get the overall goal of the piece but for me it has quite a few issues. I hope this is helpful. And thanks for the read.