05-07-2016, 10:04 AM
I like the idea of the glistening eyes being compared to ocean. I think it is a concept that can be revized though. In my mind I like the idea of polished spoons holding oceans, or something to that effect. I like the glistening silverware, but I don't think it is readily conected to the ocean . For me something more specific, as in spoons could work better. I do not care for the line, " the ocean they hold." I think it needs to be rephrase to a more conventional construction: they hold oceans.
As for the poem as a whole, I liked it and was impressed that the concept of not showing emotion was conveyed so freshly in my opinion. The issues I could see were in the beginning as pointed out.
I also agree with Billy that the title could use sprucing. My suggestion is Eye Sea. The reason I don't like the title is because it doesn't fit with the content of the poem, unless you mean eyes can see better when not full of tears. In that case I suggest spelling sea see instead.
As for the poem as a whole, I liked it and was impressed that the concept of not showing emotion was conveyed so freshly in my opinion. The issues I could see were in the beginning as pointed out.
I also agree with Billy that the title could use sprucing. My suggestion is Eye Sea. The reason I don't like the title is because it doesn't fit with the content of the poem, unless you mean eyes can see better when not full of tears. In that case I suggest spelling sea see instead.
"Write while the heat is in you...The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with." --Henry David Thoreau