05-07-2016, 08:36 AM
hi qv,
for me the title could do more, while it's almost clever it doesn't quite make it. a suggestion would be something along the lines of:
the eyes are seas. erase any words or phrases that add nothing. words like being, and slowly, and [i ask] and [nothing more than ] if you can use a non [ing] word do so.
for me the title could do more, while it's almost clever it doesn't quite make it. a suggestion would be something along the lines of:
the eyes are seas. erase any words or phrases that add nothing. words like being, and slowly, and [i ask] and [nothing more than ] if you can use a non [ing] word do so.
(05-07-2016, 07:03 AM)Queerventions Wrote: The eyes can sea
My eyes glistening like polished silverware. [glisten] nice attempt at imagery
The ocean they hold. would oceans work better? also think about mixed images, can polished silverware be connected to the ocean visually?
Being held fast by a blockade of dams.
Slowly crack by crack it falls into shambles.
Bringing down with it heavenly fire, mermaid tears, and the kindness of elves.
Not a drop of water flows.
Only words on a page escape these many fissures.
What happens now I ask.
I see nothing more than a face that shows no emotion,
but contains the sea where they all dwell.