One Night in Wales

[Universalchild]

Hey Fay Rey,

You are more or less writing in iambic tetrameter.I do not think it really matters if it is not technically correct, but it becomes a problem if it disrupts the reading. I've noted some that are bumpy and possibly suggestions. There are some others but they didn't really effect the reading. You probably lead off with your most unmetricall line in the poem.

"don't remember when i last slept or ate" probably needs to be something like: "I don't recall when I last slept or ate". Even so, that makes it five feet of shaky but workable iambs. The "when I" seems very problematic, but I cannot offer any suggestion. I think it probably smooths it out enough that it will not cause the reader duress.

Some other things.

L2 Maybe "accepting this chaotic state"
L12 remove "our" to smooth meter, especially as it doesn't effect the meaning as "our" is implied.
L6 This is sort of difficult as it start on a half foot and reads like a line of trochee except on the end. It can cause problems the way it is, at least initially it was for me. When I read it again expecting it, it read fine, but I don't think you can count on that.
L7
       fingers entwined our voices play

L8 "heart" is a stressed word so again with the half foot.
  
One last one

L14 Maybe "and all that is inside of you"

As this is in mild I'll stop there.

In terms of the rhyme, as this is a medium length poem rhyming couplets is probably not the best option. 12 lines or less, anything over that and rhyming couplets gets a tad tedious, at least that's my opinion. A possibility here is you might want to try iambic free verse with incidental rhyme. That gives you a bit more freedom and I think might work better with this topic. with this form it seems at times you struggle with the rhyme because you really want to say something else, but are locked in because of the rhyme pattern. Just a thought.

One last thing, you probably want to stay away from lines that read "something like tantric enlightening," the "something like" is the problem. Do you not know if it is like "tantric enlightening"? If you do not know what you are describe then who does? Or are you just writing to fill out the line? 
Purely personal lightening and enlightening seems a bit of a cheap rhyme to me. It's pretty close to rhyming the two same words.

Good to see you posting again, hope you stick around,


Dale

I'm so sorry that I never replied to this, I got swept away by life events and dropped poetry until recently. 

I hear your advice, at some point I'm going to try and rewrite it with a better rhythm and keep what you've said in mind. I never quite got my head round writing in meter but I would like to be able to. I shoot myself in the foot with trying to rhyme most of the time, but I just love rhymes and some of them are natural. I do end up butchering my own writing that way though, many of my poems have suffered my attempts to force rhymes into it. I will definitely consider relaxing the need to rhyme in this one.