Letting You Go

[LunaDeLore]

first off, if you want to resize the text just put it all in one set of quotes

Code:

[size=x-small][font=Times New Roman] whole poem here.....[/font][/size]

the meaning is obvious, and you show it well, the problem is you're showing it as a good poem, while it's very clear, it's also very non-poetic. use some simile and metaphor, use some assonance, consonance or alteration; heck, use all three. i've read this poem a thousand times elsewhere, make it be the first time for me to read it. just stick with it, it does get easier.

Letting You Go


I keep walking until I feel numb  
not aware of the world around me, or even myself weak first two lines, use a simile or metaphor; make the reader want to stay.
I can’t feel anything or maybe I just don’t want to,
because if I do it would make all of this real
It would make you real
it would make us real
and it would make you leaving real so far there's little if anything that grabs me ; basically all i got from 7 lines of poetry is "i'm walking and i'm numb"

And maybe I’m just scared
Scared that if I open myself up, tear myself open,
this emptiness inside me would become what completely defines me
Threatening me
Breaking me
Daring me to collapse

And I don’t know if I can fill the void where everything that was once there
Surrounded you
Was made of you
And only you

So I’ll be numb
I’ll be numb to this pain
Numb to the memories,
and numb to the sound of your name
I’ll be numb to the point where I can’t even feel my own tears

Whatisay,

I too think that you could use some metaphor or simile in this work. It reads clearly and flows well but its more along the lines of prose. Alice Notlty said something like, when you write poetry you hold something back and when you write prose you just let it all out. This work does seem like more of the latter. Another thing is that you need to stay away from the cliche:

And I don’t know if I can fill the void where everything that was once there
Surrounded you
Was made of you
And only you

Was made of you and only you.... leans more to cliche.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading.

Luna