~Seeds~

[LunaDeLore]

~Seeds~
From a Guilty Heart to a Broken Soul
Inspired by Orson Scott Card, T.S.Elliot, and a friend of mine who called himself my poet.

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I'm sorry
Sorry sorry please ------- too much sorry...something more like  I'm sorry, sorry please... may work better
  Seeds of death within me dwell
This silence, like a winter freeze
The sorrow of a broken soul

Your goddess --------- not sure where this fits into the whole of the work
Was created not
  They find their feed in happiness
To dwell above the one she thought --------- the use of dwell is too redundant here maybe using swell instead would be better
A flame that could not go amiss

That word
With power to change a heart
  Their joy in my repeated pain
Innocent bond that ne'er would part
Το shinning screen, a hidden stain ------ I'm not sure where screen comes in and the imagery here is not to favour. Maybe something like a shinning scene would work better

My mind
With guns and knives it asks
  They grow in all I dare to touch
An empty soul, not made to last
A fallen world, not made for us ------- I like how you ended here
     ~s.a.

I'm not sure what your goal was here, and I feel like this piece is an apology with the way each strophe begins; I'm sorry, The Goddess, That word, My mind. And if the work is about saying something like "Fuck Isis" to someone, or a group of someones, then is should be revised to convey more of an apology; as it reads now it's almost laborious to try to connect all parts of the work. For example, how does S1 fuse with S2 and so on? And if you ask yourself these things when revising you could come out with a really good piece.

Keep writing,

Luna