Habits (revision3)

[RC James]

Hi RC, some comments for you below:

Middle of the room, 
Stephanie dances around me, 
chasing that old habit 
we'd stored away with demons.--You've got some good lines in this poem. This opening though feels pretty flat to me. Your title allows you to sort of set the scene so I'd recommend staying with the actions to convey what's going on. I like the first two lines here to do that. I'm not a big fan of lines 3 and 4. Line 3 is too telling for me and line 4 with demons is a bit predictable. Perhaps replace them with some other image.

What remains of her willpower 
spins her out like a whirligig.
Through the window 
the sun bakes her as she unfurls.--This strophe is stronger in my opinion. I love whirligig. I also really like "the sun bakes her out as she unfurls." There is a good sense of movement in the poem. I can live with the opening line of the strophe, but if I were to suggest an edit it would be there. Calling attention to willpower in this way sort of slows down the building motion. I don't know if that makes sense but I'd move away from areas that feel explanatory, and maybe simply suggest them in the action somehow.

Pencil thin arms and legs 
punctuate her furious craving.--Again this pulls me out of the scene. Furious craving should be captured in the imagery not added as an editorial tag. Again, just an opinon. 
Hypnotized by the kitchen clock, --Love this
she hits the door we know as death.

I clench the sill, 
and watch, 
as she storms the old route, 
then I scour the dresser for change.
The coins jangle like a ring of keys 
in the hands 
of an approaching jailer.--No issues with your end strophe. Love the change morphing to keys to jailer. Very satisfying.

I hope some of that helped.

Best,

Todd

Thanks Todd - Pointing olut those telly spots helped a lot, will get to work on those.  RC