05-02-2016, 01:05 AM
I found this lovely and atmospheric in a pleasing way. I agree you should make the corrections as noted where there are errors of grammar.
For me the poem fails in the final two lines. They don't tell me enough and they also don't continue to carry the mystical atmosphere generated by what's gone before.
But I think this piece has promise, if the ending were ramped up -- as it is it's kind of like a beautifully wrapped and ceremoniously presented package that contains something rather ordinary and mundane. Put something really special in there instead.
For me the poem fails in the final two lines. They don't tell me enough and they also don't continue to carry the mystical atmosphere generated by what's gone before.
But I think this piece has promise, if the ending were ramped up -- as it is it's kind of like a beautifully wrapped and ceremoniously presented package that contains something rather ordinary and mundane. Put something really special in there instead.