04-28-2016, 07:22 AM
I agree with the everyone about the beginning question going unanswered. However, I must say that the originality of the poem isn't bad. It has some spelling errors, incomplete sentences, and a rhetorical question that really isn't rhetorical; but overall I think I understand it and more importantly, like it. Here's my thought's on it.
Two lovers wandered out into their garden
to where twilight lives after dark,
And sat among the leaves and flowers late to bloom
where the wild raspberries grow,
only speaking of inconsequential things.
When he writes, he'll think of her constantly.
And she will understand what the writing means.
All he may mark would be his own,
offset by what is hers alone.
What would it mean to her,
passing a single room with a lamp left on?
I figured the question you posed fit well with writing at the end, so i think it would work better if the two were closer. I fixed a few spelling errors and changed the question to lineup with the future tense you have in the last four lines (which I continued as well).
I hope this helps and didn't just do all the editing for you haha
good luck!
Two lovers wandered out into their garden
to where twilight lives after dark,
And sat among the leaves and flowers late to bloom
where the wild raspberries grow,
only speaking of inconsequential things.
When he writes, he'll think of her constantly.
And she will understand what the writing means.
All he may mark would be his own,
offset by what is hers alone.
What would it mean to her,
passing a single room with a lamp left on?
I figured the question you posed fit well with writing at the end, so i think it would work better if the two were closer. I fixed a few spelling errors and changed the question to lineup with the future tense you have in the last four lines (which I continued as well).
I hope this helps and didn't just do all the editing for you haha
good luck!