04-28-2016, 05:59 AM
Hello Mr.Mal,
I actually loved your first version. The idea that the monsters are in the closets and under beds because they are hiding from us, rather than waiting to jump out at us, well it tickled my fancy and I'm still smiling about it. I know there is a dark element where I have to feel bad that I'm being called a monster (in general as a human, not specifically as an individual), but the plot twist is just too fun to let me dwell on it.
Comments for the first version would be to just call it "Monsters" because you use "the real monsters" later in the poem and takes a bit of the surprise twist away to have already read it in the title. Then you could move a few of the words around ... but like living room furniture, just because I like it better under the window doesn't mean you have to put it there.
So something like this:
Monsters
They hide under the bed
and in the closet
afraid
the real monsters
will turn on the light.
I'm sure you can keep playing with it and find something you like. Mostly the "that" in "that the real monsters" made the line awkward.
The revision is less of a revision and more of a completely different poem, nice in its own right. But the line about "the scattered trace of humanity etc." changes the entire meaning of the poem. Without that bit, the poem is about imaginary monsters hiding from the people who can often be more deserving of the name. With that bit, suddenly the "monsters under the bed" change from "the bogey man" to the symbolic monster representing the evil of humanity. Each meaning works for the poem it is in, but adding that line makes the poems two very, very different stories. Editing comments for the revision:
In the case of the revision, the original title "The Real Monsters" is appropriate.
Under the bed
and in the closet
Is where the scattered trace I would simplify these two lines, the wording is ... wordy. Something more straightforward like, "lie the scattered traces of humanity"
of what humanity is left lies.
For they bring about their
guns, their gods, and their government.nice alliteration, maybe make government plural as well
These primal excuses of evolution
Ignore the truth that is
When the sun burns out the sky
Donald Trump will not be there for you. I feel like you could find a better image here. The build up is so intense taking me from the dawn of time to the end of the world. Then this line just makes me ... well it's like we're racing and building speed and suddenly i'm floating in a bubble. It's ... disorienting. Also, we were talking about monsters, under the bed and in our actions, and suddenly I'm jolted to politics. I didn't know we were talking about politics until that last line. I thought we were talking about monsters and men and what has become of us like "Heart of Darkness" and things like that. I think you poem could be amazing with the right image here. It's important because it's the last line, it's the one the audience is going to take with them, echoing in their head. But it has to make sense with the rest of the poem.
Well, that's all I've got to say for now. Happy editing if you decide to keep working on either one. You've got a good idea going, just need to amputate any superfluous words/phrases, and make sure your imagery is consistent and strong.
--Quix
I actually loved your first version. The idea that the monsters are in the closets and under beds because they are hiding from us, rather than waiting to jump out at us, well it tickled my fancy and I'm still smiling about it. I know there is a dark element where I have to feel bad that I'm being called a monster (in general as a human, not specifically as an individual), but the plot twist is just too fun to let me dwell on it.
Comments for the first version would be to just call it "Monsters" because you use "the real monsters" later in the poem and takes a bit of the surprise twist away to have already read it in the title. Then you could move a few of the words around ... but like living room furniture, just because I like it better under the window doesn't mean you have to put it there.
So something like this:Monsters
They hide under the bed
and in the closet
afraid
the real monsters
will turn on the light.
I'm sure you can keep playing with it and find something you like. Mostly the "that" in "that the real monsters" made the line awkward.
The revision is less of a revision and more of a completely different poem, nice in its own right. But the line about "the scattered trace of humanity etc." changes the entire meaning of the poem. Without that bit, the poem is about imaginary monsters hiding from the people who can often be more deserving of the name. With that bit, suddenly the "monsters under the bed" change from "the bogey man" to the symbolic monster representing the evil of humanity. Each meaning works for the poem it is in, but adding that line makes the poems two very, very different stories. Editing comments for the revision:
In the case of the revision, the original title "The Real Monsters" is appropriate.
Under the bed
and in the closet
Is where the scattered trace I would simplify these two lines, the wording is ... wordy. Something more straightforward like, "lie the scattered traces of humanity"
of what humanity is left lies.
For they bring about their
guns, their gods, and their government.nice alliteration, maybe make government plural as well
These primal excuses of evolution
Ignore the truth that is
When the sun burns out the sky
Donald Trump will not be there for you. I feel like you could find a better image here. The build up is so intense taking me from the dawn of time to the end of the world. Then this line just makes me ... well it's like we're racing and building speed and suddenly i'm floating in a bubble. It's ... disorienting. Also, we were talking about monsters, under the bed and in our actions, and suddenly I'm jolted to politics. I didn't know we were talking about politics until that last line. I thought we were talking about monsters and men and what has become of us like "Heart of Darkness" and things like that. I think you poem could be amazing with the right image here. It's important because it's the last line, it's the one the audience is going to take with them, echoing in their head. But it has to make sense with the rest of the poem.
Well, that's all I've got to say for now. Happy editing if you decide to keep working on either one. You've got a good idea going, just need to amputate any superfluous words/phrases, and make sure your imagery is consistent and strong.
--Quix
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara