04-22-2016, 09:21 AM
So I didn't take it as rudeness you didn't respond earlier, actually figured my comments weren't helpful. No worries at all. I like both versions of your poem considerably.
(03-23-2016, 10:53 AM)Casey Renee Wrote: Revision:
Daliesque
I.
The knife is longer than the whole damn street you can't please everyone... I liked the earlier line breaks better
and there is tiny you, small as ginger root,
on the cutting board in my kitchen.
My Queen Kong hand, pale,
barely fits through the door.
I want to chop you up, but can’t
get the friggin blade inside, just the handle; mild logic issue; why would you even try the handle? I understood earlier better, visualizing a chefs knife where you need the handle et al. to chop with
the clock is bubbling on the stove.
Vapor screams anguish from a raging teapot,
dangerously close to dying on its blackening bottom.
Then I know what to do.
II.
…The soup was delicious, everyone said so. Still my favorite place
dipping their spoons into the swimming pool.
Melpomene with her spiked club drowned in the deep-end. Had to look this one up...Greek references... Not sure about them.
Thalia emerged from a ladder up the side trailing wet flowers.
I could smile again when silver reflected sun;
It looked like love. This line works for me.
The oiled saddle rippled into sand;
Captive dandelion fluffs floated into air free
free free from your chewy gristle never
to be ridden again. Weird but works better
Original:
Daliesque
I.
The knife is longer
than the whole damn street
and there is tiny you
small as ginger root
on the cutting board
in My kitchen.
My pale Queen Kong hand
can barely fit through the door.
I want to chop you up, but I can’t
get the friggin knife in the house past the handle;
the clock is bubbling on the stove.
Vapor screams anguish like a raging teapot
of the thousand times I died for you.
Then I know what to do.
II.
…The soup was delicious, everyone said so
as they dipped their spoons into the swimming pool
where sorrow, hate, and evil drowned
and I could smile again when silver reflected the
sun and it looked like love.
I could finally throw out the oiled saddle rippling into sand;
Free free free
from your chewy gristle never
to be ridden again.
So I am doing a project. Basically I am in love with the dictionary and I go through and find a word. This is a dictionary piece.

