04-22-2016, 05:36 AM
What is the point of telling the reader this is your first poem? A poem should stand or fall on its own. a poem needs no introduction nor does it need an explanation.
What would it mean to she who passed
a single room with a lamp left on? ( Rhetorical statements do not generally work in poetry. The writer evidently has the answer to the question and the reader does not, so what is the point in asking the reader to guess something the writer already knows, it comes across as condescending.)
If two lovers wandered out into their garden
to live where twilight lives after dark. (Not a complete sentence)
And sit among the leaves and flowers late to bloom. (This should probably be coupled with the two lines above to form a complete sentence)
where the wild rasberries (sic) grow. (Not a sentence)
Like chords from the string,
only speaking of inconsequent (sic) things ("speaking only of inconsequential things")
When he writes, he'll think of her constantly. (changing tense, "When he writes, he thinks of her constantly" no comma)
And she, understands what the writing means. (no comma)
All he may mark would be his own, (tense- "All he may mark will be his own")
offset by what is hers alone.
dale
What would it mean to she who passed
a single room with a lamp left on? ( Rhetorical statements do not generally work in poetry. The writer evidently has the answer to the question and the reader does not, so what is the point in asking the reader to guess something the writer already knows, it comes across as condescending.)
If two lovers wandered out into their garden
to live where twilight lives after dark. (Not a complete sentence)
And sit among the leaves and flowers late to bloom. (This should probably be coupled with the two lines above to form a complete sentence)
where the wild rasberries (sic) grow. (Not a sentence)
Like chords from the string,
only speaking of inconsequent (sic) things ("speaking only of inconsequential things")
When he writes, he'll think of her constantly. (changing tense, "When he writes, he thinks of her constantly" no comma)
And she, understands what the writing means. (no comma)
All he may mark would be his own, (tense- "All he may mark will be his own")
offset by what is hers alone.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.