04-21-2016, 06:03 AM
Hi..
I actually liked the part "Later, she asked me for a cigarette. I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks. She replied maybe it was time I started." as far as getting your overall message across. I'd omit the word "Later," as it is already there implied. I'm also a bit confused by "Only for stupid folks". I agree with previous comments that the last bit needs some developing to keep the overall poem balanced from a spoken or read standpoint.
Having said that, I think it being kind of cut-off at the end is a nice stylistic element. It's like the momentum of being with the woman is high early on but as it continues it dissipates, ending in a very short, mater-of-fact tone. To me, that's kind of a signature touch and I'd argue, worth keeping.
I actually liked the part "Later, she asked me for a cigarette. I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks. She replied maybe it was time I started." as far as getting your overall message across. I'd omit the word "Later," as it is already there implied. I'm also a bit confused by "Only for stupid folks". I agree with previous comments that the last bit needs some developing to keep the overall poem balanced from a spoken or read standpoint.
Having said that, I think it being kind of cut-off at the end is a nice stylistic element. It's like the momentum of being with the woman is high early on but as it continues it dissipates, ending in a very short, mater-of-fact tone. To me, that's kind of a signature touch and I'd argue, worth keeping.