04-19-2016, 12:38 PM
I have to agree with Egr, I like your original attempt a bit better. The contrast between monsters and humanity is a duality that has always appealed to me. The references to the places where classic monsters hide used as a sanctuary from both the light and humanity. Your first attempt is a wonderful start to a poem.
The rendition you made is a different matter. In L5, this doesn’t flow well. The idea is sound but needs to be reworked. I might use something like, “This world brought about by.” Also, L7 is also weak. You use both primal and evolution which are contradictory. I see what you were trying to do here by relating people who are still relying on their base needs and archaic notions to the evolved race/ideas people should have. The rest isn’t bad, but you may want to research an event that is likely to occur and use that. I think that this will have a bit more impact with your reader.
The rendition you made is a different matter. In L5, this doesn’t flow well. The idea is sound but needs to be reworked. I might use something like, “This world brought about by.” Also, L7 is also weak. You use both primal and evolution which are contradictory. I see what you were trying to do here by relating people who are still relying on their base needs and archaic notions to the evolved race/ideas people should have. The rest isn’t bad, but you may want to research an event that is likely to occur and use that. I think that this will have a bit more impact with your reader.