04-19-2016, 08:24 AM
Aidoneus, for me this was confusion peppered with brilliance. The confusion:
When the flourishing breath that the steel
has held from the last stop is released
And the suits with turgid language cut
right through this image unknowingly
Feeling of being a part in
some worldly commute to escape
sordid sterile city lights has left
The brilliance:
thinking about how these concrete corners,
all squalid and abused, should outlive him
This served no real purpose at all,
Except maybe to create more sound
I think your inventive word usage has come at the expense of clarity. Reign yourself back a bit and try to keep your reader's understanding in mind. And dude, align left. Centering is a gimmick. Thanks for the read,
- Matt
When the flourishing breath that the steel
has held from the last stop is released
And the suits with turgid language cut
right through this image unknowingly
Feeling of being a part in
some worldly commute to escape
sordid sterile city lights has left
The brilliance:
thinking about how these concrete corners,
all squalid and abused, should outlive him
This served no real purpose at all,
Except maybe to create more sound
I think your inventive word usage has come at the expense of clarity. Reign yourself back a bit and try to keep your reader's understanding in mind. And dude, align left. Centering is a gimmick. Thanks for the read,
- Matt
