04-19-2016, 07:16 AM
A thread so soft,
smooth,
gentle,
coy;
unraveled. (A thread can't be coy or gentle as threads do not possess these attributes, and unraveled is contradictory to soft, smooth.)
Bit by bit, ("bit by bit" of what? Threads have no bits)
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence. (fiber and velvety are at a dissonance. When one thinks of fiber: "a fine, threadlike piece, as of cotton, jute, or asbestos." dictionary.com, one tends to think of coarseness, not anything smooth like velvet. Although one can infer decadence from velvety, one has to rely on a worn cliche and not because support has been built for it )
A gush took it over ("gush" has been mentioned)
of the wind; disheveled. (As a "gust" is a subset of the wind, to mention wind again is to be redundant. However, this is a dependant clause and it lacks coherence or sense).
With it modesty, (Currently this is also not a sentence, maybe "It is modest... of course it is assigned characteristics it cannot possess)
animosity, affections,
passionately fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
____________________________________________________________________________
This is not an observational poem as too many characteristics are assigned to the main object that it does not possess. This is not a metaphor as there is no comparison to something else such as, "Man is a thread", would be the way that sort of metaphor would start, or "My man is a thread". Or a simile "Man is like a thread, unraveling and breaking just when you need him to be strong. Multicolored, but at the core, all made of the same stuff with the same weaknesses and strengths."
So at best this is only half of a poem and this part needs severe rewriting. It is brave of you to put it here and I can see (which was unfortunate you did not get much real critique where you started out in mild or novice, but there is not enough of a poem here to warrant it being in serious. However maybe some more valid critique will help you begin to shape this into something of value.
Best,
dale
smooth,
gentle,
coy;
unraveled. (A thread can't be coy or gentle as threads do not possess these attributes, and unraveled is contradictory to soft, smooth.)
Bit by bit, ("bit by bit" of what? Threads have no bits)
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence. (fiber and velvety are at a dissonance. When one thinks of fiber: "a fine, threadlike piece, as of cotton, jute, or asbestos." dictionary.com, one tends to think of coarseness, not anything smooth like velvet. Although one can infer decadence from velvety, one has to rely on a worn cliche and not because support has been built for it )
A gush took it over ("gush" has been mentioned)
of the wind; disheveled. (As a "gust" is a subset of the wind, to mention wind again is to be redundant. However, this is a dependant clause and it lacks coherence or sense).
With it modesty, (Currently this is also not a sentence, maybe "It is modest... of course it is assigned characteristics it cannot possess)
animosity, affections,
passionately fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
____________________________________________________________________________
This is not an observational poem as too many characteristics are assigned to the main object that it does not possess. This is not a metaphor as there is no comparison to something else such as, "Man is a thread", would be the way that sort of metaphor would start, or "My man is a thread". Or a simile "Man is like a thread, unraveling and breaking just when you need him to be strong. Multicolored, but at the core, all made of the same stuff with the same weaknesses and strengths."
So at best this is only half of a poem and this part needs severe rewriting. It is brave of you to put it here and I can see (which was unfortunate you did not get much real critique where you started out in mild or novice, but there is not enough of a poem here to warrant it being in serious. However maybe some more valid critique will help you begin to shape this into something of value.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.