04-18-2016, 04:31 PM
I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin. - I like how well the imagery of an almost Greek goddess looking woman is evoked in my mind thank to this line.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started talking about my soul,
how it was like a box of niceness, tied - "A box of niceness" doesn't make any sense. I understand that it isn't perhaps meant to absolutely make any sense but there is no way to imagine this. What if you utilized something other than "niceness"
with frightened pieces of cotton string. - "frightened" pieces of cotton, although technically makes no sense, it does come across strongly visually when you imagine cotton strings fluttering while being tied almost as though they are frightened. What didn't work in the line above this one, works here nicely.
Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks. - "only for stupid folks" sounds disjointed, It would be nicer if you could rephrase this so it is clear that this is the narrator's opinion. Right now it makes little sense after the comma.
She replied maybe it was time I started.
Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since. - what is the significance of the thin lips? I'm afraid I didn't not understand it. Is it because of how the lips look while taking a drag?
Otherwise I really like the how it reads like a condensed short story. And the way at the end the time shifts from past to present quite suddenly, which surprisingly works for me. It is jarring in a good way.
with plated, bronze skin. - I like how well the imagery of an almost Greek goddess looking woman is evoked in my mind thank to this line.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started talking about my soul,
how it was like a box of niceness, tied - "A box of niceness" doesn't make any sense. I understand that it isn't perhaps meant to absolutely make any sense but there is no way to imagine this. What if you utilized something other than "niceness"
with frightened pieces of cotton string. - "frightened" pieces of cotton, although technically makes no sense, it does come across strongly visually when you imagine cotton strings fluttering while being tied almost as though they are frightened. What didn't work in the line above this one, works here nicely.
Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks. - "only for stupid folks" sounds disjointed, It would be nicer if you could rephrase this so it is clear that this is the narrator's opinion. Right now it makes little sense after the comma.
She replied maybe it was time I started.
Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since. - what is the significance of the thin lips? I'm afraid I didn't not understand it. Is it because of how the lips look while taking a drag?
Otherwise I really like the how it reads like a condensed short story. And the way at the end the time shifts from past to present quite suddenly, which surprisingly works for me. It is jarring in a good way.