04-18-2016, 02:03 PM
A thread so soft
smooth
gentle
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections
passionately, fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
This is a really interesting piece because you've zoomed in on a very small subject and described it quite beautifully. The only critique I have is your usage of punctuation. Generally when there is no punctuation at the end of a line you read the next line in the stanza. This became a problem for me because you had times where you used no commas such as "A thread so soft smooth gentle coy" which is read like that. This isn't a problem if that is the stylistic direction you wish to take, however you go on to use commas later on "animosity, affections passionately, fluttered." where they do not necessarily assist in getting the poems tone across. I guess what I'm saying is to choose one way you want the poem to be read, or to just change where you want your commas to be. This is the only thing I took issue with, and overall your ability to convey an image to the reader is very strong. Kudos!
Thanks for taking the time to critique this!
Now that you bring it to my notice, I do agree that I should choose a "tone" and stick by it.
I wanted to sort of give pauses in the first line but I realize that I failed to achieve that without using the commas there.
How about this?
A thread, so soft - any suggestions on the punctuation for this bit?
smooth,
gentle,
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections,
passionately fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
Yes in L-4 I was going for the "pretense of shyness" or "modesty" meaning. Flirtatious would change the meaning for me, significantly. However If you do have any suggestions for another word with a similar meaning to coy, I'd love to know!
L-13 I intended on using passionate to denote the intensity of the disarray - sort of like the usage in the following sentence "Passionate pleas for help".
But perhaps I should look into alternate words which afford the same meaning.
Yes I was a bit concerned of the same, that animosity kind of springs upon the reader out of no where. So I'll definitely spend some time revising that.
Thank you so much once again!
smooth
gentle
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections
passionately, fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
(04-18-2016, 02:54 AM)Aidoneus Wrote:
This is a really interesting piece because you've zoomed in on a very small subject and described it quite beautifully. The only critique I have is your usage of punctuation. Generally when there is no punctuation at the end of a line you read the next line in the stanza. This became a problem for me because you had times where you used no commas such as "A thread so soft smooth gentle coy" which is read like that. This isn't a problem if that is the stylistic direction you wish to take, however you go on to use commas later on "animosity, affections passionately, fluttered." where they do not necessarily assist in getting the poems tone across. I guess what I'm saying is to choose one way you want the poem to be read, or to just change where you want your commas to be. This is the only thing I took issue with, and overall your ability to convey an image to the reader is very strong. Kudos!
Thanks for taking the time to critique this!
Now that you bring it to my notice, I do agree that I should choose a "tone" and stick by it.
I wanted to sort of give pauses in the first line but I realize that I failed to achieve that without using the commas there.
How about this?
A thread, so soft - any suggestions on the punctuation for this bit?
smooth,
gentle,
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections,
passionately fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
(04-18-2016, 11:41 AM)homer1950 Wrote:Thank you for taking the time out to critique this!(04-17-2016, 10:10 PM)Shrewbe Wrote: A thread so softI too like the theme, the idea of taking me the reader into this small (normally) unseen world.
smooth
gentle
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections
passionately, fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
A couple of comments I would have for you is about word choices.
L-4 coy- I believe you did not mean; “to hold back details” (which is one definition of of coy).
I think you were alluding to something akin to a woman's attributes. If that were the case would you consider instead of coy- flirtatious
L-10 Last word- disheveled - gives the feeling of having lost its decadence (as described in the previous line) by the wind. Then L-11 strong attributes are re-associated with the piece of thread. L-13 passionately, fluttered- so the dilemma for me is; “how can a disheveled thread now flutter passionately?”
Lastly these words do not seem to fit together well: L-11 and L-12 -modesty, animosity, affections-
Modesty- is that shyness -from first section- gentleness, smooth, coy (that was a good choice of word to continue the feel of the piece)
Animosity- to harbor ill will- it feels like a disassociated characteristic (was not revealed earlier in the work)
Affections- animosity could be a type of affection, same as gentleness. Wouldn’t using the word affections, be somewhat redundant following anomosity and gentleness?
Thank you for the read I did enjoy it.
Yes in L-4 I was going for the "pretense of shyness" or "modesty" meaning. Flirtatious would change the meaning for me, significantly. However If you do have any suggestions for another word with a similar meaning to coy, I'd love to know!
L-13 I intended on using passionate to denote the intensity of the disarray - sort of like the usage in the following sentence "Passionate pleas for help".
But perhaps I should look into alternate words which afford the same meaning.
Yes I was a bit concerned of the same, that animosity kind of springs upon the reader out of no where. So I'll definitely spend some time revising that.
Thank you so much once again!