04-18-2016, 02:54 AM
This is a really interesting piece because you've zoomed in on a very small subject and described it quite beautifully. The only critique I have is your usage of punctuation. Generally when there is no punctuation at the end of a line you read the next line in the stanza. This became a problem for me because you had times where you used no commas such as "A thread so soft smooth gentle coy" which is read like that. This isn't a problem if that is the stylistic direction you wish to take, however you go on to use commas later on "animosity, affections passionately, fluttered." where they do not necessarily assist in getting the poems tone across. I guess what I'm saying is to choose one way you want the poem to be read, or to just change where you want your commas to be. This is the only thing I took issue with, and overall your ability to convey an image to the reader is very strong. Kudos!