04-17-2016, 07:46 PM
Falling leaves that ride the breeze
Your colors are a joy to see.
Gusts carry you sadly
As you glide gladly
From places used to be.
"Gusts carry you sadly" - Sadly seems avoidable, unless you could provide some context, why would the gusts be "sad"? Also in your entire poem you don't attribute any emotion to anything other than falling leaves. So to do that here without any good reason seems unnecessary.
Falling leaves that ride the breeze
Your final flight enlightens me.
Colors you show
Patterns you grow
Shine in times of dark sorrow. - Is dark sorrow in reference to Autumn? I'm not sure I understand this very well.
Falling leaves that ride the breeze
The hues have spoken sweet things to me.
That beauty arises in many disguises
Such are the lessons
I've learned from thee. - Really like this stanza!
"Falling leaves that ride the breeze
Teach green leaves
To leave the trees." - I really really like these lines, the idea of "old" or wise falling leaves passing the mantel to the young, and the way you've utilized it here is wonderful. However the lines after this "Teach our race to fall With your grace and ease" seem very sudden and out of place. This is the first time you make any connection or reference to "our race" or anything like it in the entire poem. It sounds very forced.
I
Overall It's a nice sounding poem. I love the idea behind it. I like how it flows into my mind when I read it, almost as though I'm right beside the narrator, peeping into a sort of phenomenon and sharing the wonder.
Your colors are a joy to see.
Gusts carry you sadly
As you glide gladly
From places used to be.
"Gusts carry you sadly" - Sadly seems avoidable, unless you could provide some context, why would the gusts be "sad"? Also in your entire poem you don't attribute any emotion to anything other than falling leaves. So to do that here without any good reason seems unnecessary.
Falling leaves that ride the breeze
Your final flight enlightens me.
Colors you show
Patterns you grow
Shine in times of dark sorrow. - Is dark sorrow in reference to Autumn? I'm not sure I understand this very well.
Falling leaves that ride the breeze
The hues have spoken sweet things to me.
That beauty arises in many disguises
Such are the lessons
I've learned from thee. - Really like this stanza!
"Falling leaves that ride the breeze
Teach green leaves
To leave the trees." - I really really like these lines, the idea of "old" or wise falling leaves passing the mantel to the young, and the way you've utilized it here is wonderful. However the lines after this "Teach our race to fall With your grace and ease" seem very sudden and out of place. This is the first time you make any connection or reference to "our race" or anything like it in the entire poem. It sounds very forced.
I
Overall It's a nice sounding poem. I love the idea behind it. I like how it flows into my mind when I read it, almost as though I'm right beside the narrator, peeping into a sort of phenomenon and sharing the wonder.