04-17-2016, 07:22 PM
I'm leaving us my love,
my reckless entanglement,
my fucking mad, headlong descent
into today.
You swore we'd die entwined
in each other,
loving each other.
Give me a chance you said,
to prove my love, you said.
Ha! you had me there, - the "Ha!" seems unnecessary here. It doesn't constructively add to this sentence.
I didn't ever see this coming,
This cold, this freezing cold,
I'd have taken hatred any day.
Didn't I deserve that,
at least that? - The repetition of "that" in this line doesn't work for me because you've already achieved the desired effect of the word in the previous sentence.
Didn't I, my love?
Overall, it's pretty concise in its expression, yet it doesn't exactly evoke the sense of betrayal that I presume it meant to. Perhaps if there was a more specific imagery that I could form some kind of a connection to, empathize with in my mind it would serve its function. That's not to say it is bad. It is alright. Since you're dealing with such a universal theme and situation, and a lot has previously been written about the same... your piece tends to fall into the generic. Only because there is no distinguishing detail- in any form, in it. I do however, like how you started and ended with "my love". It lends the piece a sort of unity, which I think is nice.
my reckless entanglement,
my fucking mad, headlong descent
into today.
You swore we'd die entwined
in each other,
loving each other.
Give me a chance you said,
to prove my love, you said.
Ha! you had me there, - the "Ha!" seems unnecessary here. It doesn't constructively add to this sentence.
I didn't ever see this coming,
This cold, this freezing cold,
I'd have taken hatred any day.
Didn't I deserve that,
at least that? - The repetition of "that" in this line doesn't work for me because you've already achieved the desired effect of the word in the previous sentence.
Didn't I, my love?
Overall, it's pretty concise in its expression, yet it doesn't exactly evoke the sense of betrayal that I presume it meant to. Perhaps if there was a more specific imagery that I could form some kind of a connection to, empathize with in my mind it would serve its function. That's not to say it is bad. It is alright. Since you're dealing with such a universal theme and situation, and a lot has previously been written about the same... your piece tends to fall into the generic. Only because there is no distinguishing detail- in any form, in it. I do however, like how you started and ended with "my love". It lends the piece a sort of unity, which I think is nice.