04-17-2016, 05:22 PM
I'm reading this as the speaker being first ambivalent to the divine, then on seeing something beautiful (more along the lines of romantic love, though a better argument could be made for him having a child) becoming fully, er, Dionysian (xD). A powerful thought, and a theme I love exploring, if not in my readings or my pieces then in my thoughts or my sketches -- but here:
1. "And now" doesn't feel necessary. Better to compress that to the next line, maybe remove little, which though adds meaning isn't as much of a loss -- this runs to me more like a tanka than two haikus, though of course it's sort of neither.
2. Also the period in the first thought, since everything's basically one sentence anyway.
3. The verb tense (I don't remember what it's called specifically) in the last line is also weird -- because it feels so in-the-past, the poem doesn't have the right punch. And besides, Nietzsche did say "God is Dead", right? Although he did also say "and you have killed him" -- but that is less remembered anyway, and if you put the whole thing in you'd be a bit obvious, and the whole deal with the Magnificent Other is that He exists above and beyond space and time, so that just as you have killed Him, so do you kill Him, so you will kill Him -- and all that junk.
4. And the title. I don't see as much fortune-telling here, so though I can get the connection, it feels like a tenuous one -- are you sure you didn't mean "Deification"?
Otherwise, this is pretty good stuff.
1. "And now" doesn't feel necessary. Better to compress that to the next line, maybe remove little, which though adds meaning isn't as much of a loss -- this runs to me more like a tanka than two haikus, though of course it's sort of neither.
2. Also the period in the first thought, since everything's basically one sentence anyway.
3. The verb tense (I don't remember what it's called specifically) in the last line is also weird -- because it feels so in-the-past, the poem doesn't have the right punch. And besides, Nietzsche did say "God is Dead", right? Although he did also say "and you have killed him" -- but that is less remembered anyway, and if you put the whole thing in you'd be a bit obvious, and the whole deal with the Magnificent Other is that He exists above and beyond space and time, so that just as you have killed Him, so do you kill Him, so you will kill Him -- and all that junk.
4. And the title. I don't see as much fortune-telling here, so though I can get the connection, it feels like a tenuous one -- are you sure you didn't mean "Deification"?
Otherwise, this is pretty good stuff.