Who was Edwin? (16 words)edit 1.0 leanne

[tectak]

Tom, the narrative is strong but the problem I'm having with it is the inconsistency of the meter.  I would get into a rhythm and then be jarred out of it, and try as I might, I can't see that if this is intentional it is working.  I might actually suggest meter-and-rhyme for the direct parts, free verse for the italics or vice versa.  

Also, saying "I never knew him" and then introducing him is contradictory since it's all from a tense long past the encounter with Uncle Edwin.  He knew Edwin, just hadn't met him yet but would.  

I do find the last couple of verses too unsubtle and even edging a little toward the emo that we all know and love to write about in suicide month.  Language like "I craved release" does no justice to the rest of the poem.  Saying "depressed" right out is way too telly.  Where's all that lovely show gone?  

There is work to be done.

Yes to all but I won't say I was as aware of the problems caused by the inconsistencies. It did start off free verse, whatever that is, but too many bloody rhymes crept in. What I will fess up to is the deliberate over stretching of the piece to get the word count up. I noted a pissed off poster suggesting that long poems prohibited the crits from even viewing. So by way of one of my social engineering experiments I stuck the word count in the title. 1605 words. Zilch. So I changed it to 65 words...zilch til you.
As for "craved release"and "depressed" I disclaim blame...it was the character wot said it.
Again, this based on a true, but increasingly familiar story in the UK. I lack opinion on the ethics or otherwise of transgendre, but that is an improvement as I used to think it was all just a trend. It's the way I was  brought up. By the by, Edwin never met his uncle Ed. Where DID you get that idea from? He only heard him through the cupboard door, and glimpsed him,perhaps, through a crack. Who knows. I suspect Ed was Edwin's biological father...but that's another story.
Best and thanks,
tectak