04-16-2016, 07:57 AM
Tom, the narrative is strong but the problem I'm having with it is the inconsistency of the meter. I would get into a rhythm and then be jarred out of it, and try as I might, I can't see that if this is intentional it is working. I might actually suggest meter-and-rhyme for the direct parts, free verse for the italics or vice versa.
Also, saying "I never knew him" and then introducing him is contradictory since it's all from a tense long past the encounter with Uncle Edwin. He knew Edwin, just hadn't met him yet but would.
I do find the last couple of verses too unsubtle and even edging a little toward the emo that we all know and love to write about in suicide month. Language like "I craved release" does no justice to the rest of the poem. Saying "depressed" right out is way too telly. Where's all that lovely show gone?
There is work to be done.
Also, saying "I never knew him" and then introducing him is contradictory since it's all from a tense long past the encounter with Uncle Edwin. He knew Edwin, just hadn't met him yet but would.
I do find the last couple of verses too unsubtle and even edging a little toward the emo that we all know and love to write about in suicide month. Language like "I craved release" does no justice to the rest of the poem. Saying "depressed" right out is way too telly. Where's all that lovely show gone?
There is work to be done.
It could be worse