04-14-2016, 08:47 AM
Mattp,
I enjoyed reading this poem; it was refreshing. However, your choices concerning capitalization made me wonder. I'm not sure if L1- 3 are capitalized intentionally or not. No matter, it is alarming. On the other hand I have some understanding of your use of the semi colon but somewhat uncomfortable with L6 & 7...
A Narrowing of a man's eye;
A small smirk;
Which begins something....
It appears that you're using the semi colon in place of a conjunction but using it before which (a restrictive) doesn't work for me in this work. You really don't need it there and "a small smirk" could also be included on L6 instead of dropped down to create L7.
Example for revision:
A narrowing of a man's eye; a small smirk
Beginning something.....
Using something like this, you could eliminate the restrictive and go with more of an active voice too.
Nevertheless,
Good work.
Luna
I enjoyed reading this poem; it was refreshing. However, your choices concerning capitalization made me wonder. I'm not sure if L1- 3 are capitalized intentionally or not. No matter, it is alarming. On the other hand I have some understanding of your use of the semi colon but somewhat uncomfortable with L6 & 7...
A Narrowing of a man's eye;
A small smirk;
Which begins something....
It appears that you're using the semi colon in place of a conjunction but using it before which (a restrictive) doesn't work for me in this work. You really don't need it there and "a small smirk" could also be included on L6 instead of dropped down to create L7.
Example for revision:
A narrowing of a man's eye; a small smirk
Beginning something.....
Using something like this, you could eliminate the restrictive and go with more of an active voice too.
Nevertheless,
Good work.
Luna
In your own, each bone comes alive
the skeleton jangles in its perfunctory sleeve....
(Chris Martin)
the skeleton jangles in its perfunctory sleeve....
(Chris Martin)