04-13-2016, 05:33 PM
(04-13-2016, 11:17 AM)Mattp Wrote: One Second Later
Sometimes rain falls.
Sometimes it sounds like laughter.
Sometimes it's driven against steel by sudden winds and shatters,
yet,
all space and things become still in a moment.
A narrowing of a man's eye;
a small smirk;
which begins something horrible, inevitable,
and utterly hilarious.
I agree with Billy in L1- you do not need the word sometimes. However if you wanted to build intensity by using the word at the beginning of each line I understand your usage.
So if that was your intent, then on examination of the lines by L-3 you have actually lost the intensity you sought to create. The way the lines are currently written as 123- 12345- 12345678910, L-3 has too many words to maintain intensity.
L-5 reads; all space and things- have you considered Space and Time / Matter- I admit they are somewhat worn, yet the familiar feel of them may set the mood better.
L-8 reads; Which begins - the line conveys a moderate tone of commencement, where as you may have been wanting more of a sci-fi feel. How about -The beginning of – It is a stronger conveyance of commencment in that, it is saying something could go on indefinitely.
L-8 Seems to be building a crescendo effect with some serious words; horrible, inevitable.. Then L-9 turns back on the reader with -and utterly hilarious -letting us off the ominous hook.
Would you consider drawing out that feeling, with something like this:
L--8 the beginning of something horrible! Inevitable!
L-9 and...
L-10 utterly hilarious.