04-13-2016, 02:40 PM
I like the theme of it - things that bind you
Children, words, love, and hatred
In this section
Children, the best of my soul,
Words, always
Love
Hatred
I am compelled to make more rooms between "words" and "love" because children and words are in some sort of physical form but love and hatred are emotions. I feel you can elaborate more on why children and words bind you then talk about love and hatred
To make it more poetic, you might want to somehow align "love" to the line "Children, the best of my soul" and do the same for "hatred" to the line "Words, always"
For example:
Love, the fuel of my heart
hatred, maybe
Someone commented on this part earlier and felt "words" "love" and "hatred" were thrown in there at random. I think having a little bit of rhythm in the format will make it more interesting to read.
Hope those are constructive and helpful feedback.
Vii
Children, words, love, and hatred
In this section
Children, the best of my soul,
Words, always
Love
Hatred
I am compelled to make more rooms between "words" and "love" because children and words are in some sort of physical form but love and hatred are emotions. I feel you can elaborate more on why children and words bind you then talk about love and hatred
To make it more poetic, you might want to somehow align "love" to the line "Children, the best of my soul" and do the same for "hatred" to the line "Words, always"
For example:
Love, the fuel of my heart
hatred, maybe
Someone commented on this part earlier and felt "words" "love" and "hatred" were thrown in there at random. I think having a little bit of rhythm in the format will make it more interesting to read.
Hope those are constructive and helpful feedback.
Vii