04-12-2016, 09:21 AM
Hi,
I liked the way that you tied the end into the beginning...the way you talked to your love. To me it sounds either that you really loved him/her, or that you are sarcastic about it. I prefer the former.
The swearing threw me off. The imagery of roots in nature was nice. This poem could really be a very sweet poem about breaking up if you could work on taking out the back and forth part ('you said')...or somehow leave the bitterness as a suggestion to the reader (so instead of telling us how frustrated and bitter you are, you could leave it to our imagination). That would be hard to do.
My two cents
I liked the way that you tied the end into the beginning...the way you talked to your love. To me it sounds either that you really loved him/her, or that you are sarcastic about it. I prefer the former.
The swearing threw me off. The imagery of roots in nature was nice. This poem could really be a very sweet poem about breaking up if you could work on taking out the back and forth part ('you said')...or somehow leave the bitterness as a suggestion to the reader (so instead of telling us how frustrated and bitter you are, you could leave it to our imagination). That would be hard to do.
My two cents
(03-18-2016, 09:59 AM)DC Black Wrote: I'm leaving us my love,
my reckless entanglement,
my fucking mad, headlong descent
into today.
You swore we'd die entwined
in each other,
loving each other.
Give me a chance you said,
to prove my love, you said.
Ha! you had me there,
I didn't ever see this coming,
This cold, this freezing cold,
I'd have taken hatred any day.
Didn't I deserve that,
at least that?
Didn't I, my love?