04-12-2016, 08:31 AM
Firstly, there are some things I really liked about this poem. There are some choices of rhyme that worked very well, and I definitely feel the message you're trying to convey with this, due to some of the well presented imagery:
"Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men."
Good stuff there. Unlike some others, (respectfully) I don't have an issue with the use of "crippled". It's a decently powerful word to get your point across. Sometimes you have to forgo political correctness when using poetic language, imo. Within reason, of course.
I would suggest separating it into clear stanzas. In which case, the third and fourth stanzas feel off, to me, as far as meter. The meter, in general, feels a bit all over the place, actually. It seems to read well enough anyway, because of some rhyme choices that are nicely done. For example, in the third stanza, the meter is wacky compared to those before (which are bit off themselves, but maintain decent flow). These feel a bit wordy and harder to speak.
That being said, I also really enjoyed these, from those very stanzas:
"there's no one else to blame."
"as is the crushing shame."
They mesh well together, but the lines between are what trip them up, imho. All in all, quite enjoyable. A little tweaking often spawns big gains.
Peace.
"Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men."
Good stuff there. Unlike some others, (respectfully) I don't have an issue with the use of "crippled". It's a decently powerful word to get your point across. Sometimes you have to forgo political correctness when using poetic language, imo. Within reason, of course.
I would suggest separating it into clear stanzas. In which case, the third and fourth stanzas feel off, to me, as far as meter. The meter, in general, feels a bit all over the place, actually. It seems to read well enough anyway, because of some rhyme choices that are nicely done. For example, in the third stanza, the meter is wacky compared to those before (which are bit off themselves, but maintain decent flow). These feel a bit wordy and harder to speak.
That being said, I also really enjoyed these, from those very stanzas:
"there's no one else to blame."
"as is the crushing shame."
They mesh well together, but the lines between are what trip them up, imho. All in all, quite enjoyable. A little tweaking often spawns big gains.
Peace.