04-11-2016, 05:51 AM
This reads more like prose. There is nothing really for the reader to attach to either emotionally or intellectually. This scenario is devoid of any specifics that make the character or the scene seem real. In the end it is just a very long description held together by the effect of boots on dirt. Even were it descriptive, it is unlikely it would be very original as this is such overly covered ground. Love, love lost, et al. is never a good starting point for the novice. The one positive point, is this is not riddled with cliche, so points for that.
Synopsis: She left him or something happened to her, he refused to admit it and did things to pretend it hadn't happened, but eventually he had to admit she was gone. Love lost. A million poems written on the topic.
Maybe try something that is unique to you and lay off the heavy stuff, that's been done to death and it usually just leads to superficial sophomoric angst.
Poetry usually includes poetic tropes. Metaphor, extended metaphor, personification, alliteration, assonance, allusions: if not in formal verse, then it has a rhythmic underpinning which gives it the necessary energy to move along rather than sound like a monotone.
If it is a story, give the reader a reason to care about the character(s). Show don't tell.
Look forward to your next effort,
dale
Synopsis: She left him or something happened to her, he refused to admit it and did things to pretend it hadn't happened, but eventually he had to admit she was gone. Love lost. A million poems written on the topic.
Maybe try something that is unique to you and lay off the heavy stuff, that's been done to death and it usually just leads to superficial sophomoric angst.
Poetry usually includes poetic tropes. Metaphor, extended metaphor, personification, alliteration, assonance, allusions: if not in formal verse, then it has a rhythmic underpinning which gives it the necessary energy to move along rather than sound like a monotone.
If it is a story, give the reader a reason to care about the character(s). Show don't tell.
Look forward to your next effort,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.