04-10-2016, 06:11 PM
I agree that this is a piece that would be elevated with more regularity in rhythm -- step-wise, you lost me by "Old friends live the dream", although the two stanzas with five lines (however well those fifths work) are also a bit detracting. And I don't think the device you used in the fifth stanza, the "there is something I forgot" deal, is the right touch, bringing the poem to its (clever-fun!) twist -- I'd rather you just kept describing.