From tenements to sun dance lodge

[Keith]

I recognize this as the Sun Dance of the Plains Indians tribes: http://aktalakota.stjo.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=8668

It's quite an intense ritual.

Thanks for the comment bedeep and yes extremely intense.
Best Keith

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It is an interesting topic, but a lot is left out if describing a Sun Dance. (I'll use white people terms) first the series of sweats, then the series of "vision quest" (umblacha (sic)), then Sun Dance which occurs over three days. Too much "Man Called Horse" mixed in here for my taste. Of course this is going to be a sensitive topic as it is at the core of the Lakota, which has gobbled most of the other tribes (thanks god I'm Seminole,sweats were intense enough for me).  

The enjambment seems forced at S2 L6-7. It creates a caesura that is unneeded and to me unacceptable (the last being purely personal). The lineation seems ad hoc, without reference to the internal structure.

In terms of rhythmic quality this comes across as a bit tone deaf.

This is of course more critique than is justified in this forum, but anytime one writes about religion, I don't see what else what one can expect.

I would like to see this expanded,


dale


PS It's called a "sun dance" because they dance  specifically around a pole(not hang). After three days of no food and water, they go up to the pole and make their prayers, then run as hard as they can backwards hoping they rip out the bone the first time. Personally I think the Lakota are nuts.

Thank you for the considered feedback dale and the pointers, much appreciated. By way of explanation this poem is about being a smack head and living in a tenement squat, starving then getting high so I was only drawing a comparison. However the whole ritual is an interesting topic but that's not the topic I was trying to cover, I just saw some similarity. Best Keith